Friday, November 16, 2012


When I first decided to take this journey as a professional performer, I had no idea about the psychology of acting or my job as a storyteller. I hadn't read Uta Hagen, Stanislavsky or anybody else. Still, haven't actually. I just wanted to sing. Now I've come to see the developmental arc or just plain old story in all art be it photography, painting, choreography, modeling, et cetera.

In addition to storytelling as a profession, I've been thinking a lot about the stories we tell ourselves everyday. Like "everything is all right," when it isn't. I don't think it's always that we're lying to ourselves as much as we genuinely don't know how to recognize the signs. Pain is a warning that something's wrong. But "pain" doesn't always hit you over the head right away. Over the last few months I've had my run in with depression. Despite the obvious (to others) weight loss, barely controlled crying fits (that I kept largely to myself), lack of enthusiasm (more than usual) and feelings of loneliness (even though I see my very close friends often and even live with one), I didn't pick up on the signs. In retrospect, I was absolutely depressed. And because I internalize everything, nobody could help me. I was near tears in my doctor's office Monday answering questions about whether I'd had a flu shot. (I had not.) After a discussion about my diet and just a general conversation about my concerns since my last visit, he said, "Why don't we get you some help?"

Help can be a tough thing to ask for, but we all need it. It's not for "other people;" it's for all people. But, dear reader, none of this is a major cause for concern. Nothing can be gummy bears and sunbeams every day. I accept this heartily. Still, there's the regular into-every-life-some-rain-must-fall shit and then there's I-don't-care-if-I-eat-or-live-because-what's-the-point...-oh-yeah-fuck-my-life stuff. That last one will make you go, "Um, I think we better call somebody."

So what did I do? I looked under the hood at what was really going on. My work is one sore spot. I realized that I don't have more success because I haven't really sacrificed anything. I haven't AT ALL spent the time honing and sweating and giving everything I've got to my craft. I'm terrible at time management and I'm lazy as fuck, but not where bullshit is concerned. Case in point: the number of profiles, sites and various social media I'd registered with online over the years surprised me. Including this blog, I was OVER thirty. Thirty. WTF? And I can think of about two offhand that I forgot to put on that list. The story I'd been telling myself was that I could continue to peruse these sites all day, jerk off and crunch up all the towels (okay that's kinda funny) and still receive any real advancement or recognition for my work. In what world? No seriously. Where because I'd be all over that shit like Petraeus on Jill Kelley's man arms.

So yeah. I listed all the sites so I could a) see them clearly and b) have something to strike through as I deleted them. And you know what? It's working. How can there be room in my life for the things I want (and need) when I'm constantly shoving in so much of what I don't want (or need). I watched a clip of a Prince interview this week. He said he didn't really listen to a lot of other peoples' music because he "makes it." Of course that makes sense. Oprah doesn't spend all day watching TV. She's on the shit. Le sigh (That's French for "Exhale, bitch.)

Ever try to shit out a planet?* That's what being an artist is like. Planets are just big old bunches of rocks that pull their shit together to eventually form a mass large enough to have a gravitational force strong enough to make other shit spin around it. Okay, this Oprah metaphor is getting old, but you get me, right? The constant energy it takes to always be out working to get people to notice who we are and what it is we do and why you should come out makes one exhaustipated. No. Just because you grow it does not mean anybody's coming. It takes a lot. AND it takes a lot to make sure that whatever it is people are coming to see isn't busted so they'll come back. I stopped even telling friends I'm doing anything. If other people aren't talking about it yet, then it's not hot enough. Back to the rehearsal room. Gah! But that's the work. AND I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHIT! :)) A few months back I sat at the piano and hammered through a tune (poorly), but it felt wonderful to be thinking about inversions while I sang along in the studio room. There needs to be more of that.

So I'm more focused and I feel better. I'm eating more and crying less. Though some crying is cathartic. I've been a bastard; I need to keep the heart from icing over again. At this rate, my ego will be back in no time and I'll be wearing shades for breakfast. I'm back with the band on a regular rehearsal schedule and I've already accepted work on the theatre's next production. I'm not all Mother Teresa and shit, though. (The woman did not keep a stylist.) I'm still keeping a few online profiles. A FEW! Not to mention the fact that I hardly need to look for new blood. My phone is full. But seriously. When my head totally clears, some lucky little dude (not 100 dudes) is going to have a very sore asshole ;-) I don't know this guy, btw. He gave me his number and I forgot to save it before I deleted my account :-(

There's also been the issue of just getting older. Latest revelation: At my current age, my mother had already been a parent to me for 16 years. I can't imagine having a 16 year old right now. Yet, my mom did. I remember thinking how much larger than life my parents seemed to me then and how much, dare I say, older. But now that I'm their age (then), I don't feel all that diminished really, except my knees creak every single goddamn time I get up. Wtf? Am I...old? Like, for realz? When the fuck did this shit happen? I blame my performance in A Chorus Line last year. Never had any knee creaking prior.

We all want to stay young and remember things "as they were," but getting older isn't all bad. I'm not ready to move into the Marigold Hotel, but I'm really okay with not being 20 anymore. I've been living in the moment long enough. It's time to actually plan some of this time I have left. Time. Is. Running. Out. On. Everything. And. Everyone. I want to have a husband and some children. Yeah, I guess I want a family ;-)

I was floored by Rihanna's admission of still being so in love with Chris Brown her stomach drops when he walks in a room. I want to have that with someone. Recently, a friend finally returned my text to say that he'd been off the radar because he had a bf. I've thought about this guy a lot over the years. He lives in the next town over from me. I've even imagined our kids. (Shut up.) But here's the thing: You have to tell people how you feel. Surprisingly, I wasn't sad in the least when I heard that news. I rejoice in the happiness of others, especially when I love them. That and I just don't have it in me to cry over a man anymore. Sneakers? Definitely. The fact is, we all get our time up at the mic. If I'm not at the mic, it's not my time. So how do I feel? I feel that I need to turn the page and start writing a new chapter. I'm happy to do that. And yes. You read that correctly.

I'm happy :)

*An example

Recognize anyone?


What About Now?


  1. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post-it was the kick in the ass I have been looking for to rise above my own depression, grab life by the balls, and focus on the things that matter most. I am not a hopeless romantic, but after reading your post I feel good that the love I once had may still be out there somewhere-and if he's not, then that doesn't diminish the fact that I feel a little more at ease today after reading about your current state of affairs than I have in months-so again, thank you.

    Wishing you and your family a very happy Thanksgiving.

    btw...after reading your post, I was reminded of a song I have been listening to pretty regularly recently-it's called 'Cosmic Love' by F&TM-you may have heard it once or twice...

  2. I've been depressed. It's no joke. Glad you got help.

    But realize depression is also your psyche telling you to slow down, reassess, and regroup.

    It looks like you are doing that. All the best to you. Know there are people reading you who have never met you and probably never will but are sending positive energy your way and only wish you the best.

    Immanuel at

  3. I had to read this a few times( I an not slow)because it was very touching and heartfelt I had to be sure I read it right. Don't worry You are right on scheduel in life,the years between 30 and 40 is when introspection starts and Men makes changes.(Some call it Midlife crisis which is very real!) It is all that you have described so well, it can be an emotional roller-coaster.. .You are going to be fine..embrace aging, it can be fantastic, I am a living witness..

    Thank you for sharing this,as I have said before I think you are a very wise and talented Man and I think you have a very good handle on life.

    Please don't stop writing! You are a wondeful Storyteller...and much needed in this world..
    Congratulations and all the best reaching your goals and dreams as the future unfolds.The Universe is wonderfully giving.Thank You for all you have brought into my life .
    Well Written.
    Much Respect!!

  4. Wow, guys. I'm a little emotional. Specifically for your responses. You dudes are the absolute best. I've heard of this type of connection via social media, but I don't think I ever expected to feel it back. What can I say? It's wonderful. I can't tell you how happy I am that you take the time to read this little part of the universe. It's a gift to me. Please know that this blog is not only part of me, it is me and I'm always working to keep it honest. I want it to be fun for you to be here. I want it to be a journey where you'll always see yourself along the way.

    BD, I'm glad I could be some encouragement for you. Thanks for the well wishes. I'll have to listen to that song :)

    Immanuel, thank you for the positive energy, my friend. It is well received. I feel it :) I'm absolutely reassessing and regrouping. The process is great.

    D.W, you're my man. Thank you for your support and kind words. You're always here and I feel a connection to you. It's much appreciated :)) Again, I'm a little overwhelmed with happiness, though. So that's all right.

  5. Nice post. Glad you are back and doing well. Was wondering about you. And the porn . . . damn, man, That is some hot shit! Fuck. Some nice dick and ass in those clips. Congrats on your porn debut! Keep it up! ;)

  6. Thanks, Flowers. I found out just how many of my friends have subscriptions to BlackBreeders :-/

  7. Depressions is wild. I'm dealing with that myself. Glad that you are doing well. Welcome back. Hot shit. you Congrats on your porn debut.

  8. Hey, Caleel. As you know, you're not alone dealing with it. I hope you're getting some help. Thanks for the well wishes :))

  9. Aw thanks, DW. I still haven't watched the footage.

    1. I wish there was more love making in Porn. With your eyes I felt you were in total contron!! But I have mentioned that trinkle in Your eyes before..I was totally impressed by the the eye contact! I had to watch again to see the rest.LOL! Love it..By the way I had to join the site..and it was worth it..
      Thanks Lil Bro..You are an amazing Person.Very Gifted in so many areas..You are going to be fine..
      Much respect.
      P/S I want to hear more of your singing, the clip was not enough..big smile.

  10. DW, I switched up the video clip to show another rehearsal moment. Thanks for joining the site just to see my clip :)) I enjoy seeing people really enjoy themselves in porn. That's why I typically prefer amateur, but some studios literally make lovely porn. and DaneJones are the first that come to mind.

  11. Thanks for posting the rehersal tape, I enjoyed your singing and want to hear more..
    Much Respect


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.