Sunday, June 2, 2013

Pay-Per-View During the Rapture

Caution: New geetarist ahead
For all my MENSA striving and studying, I am still so incredibly ridiculous. I was sitting on the couch smoking last week just thinking of how the tips of my fingers had been sore-slash-numb the past several days. So strange, right? (Yeah, when you don't think about it.) Few people know this about me, but I immediately go to that place. I thought, "oh I've got fingertip cancer. I knew this shit was gonna happen. Oh well. Better get that looked at Monday," (riiiiiiiiiiip the bowl). Then it dawned on me. Stupid, you've been practicing on metal-ass-strings. You don't have cancer yet.

Speaking of doom and gloom mentality run amok, I've got to give it up for the recent slew of end-of-civilization-as-we-know-it story lines everywhere - After Earth (LOVED), World War Z, The Purge, another season of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta - It's like Hollywood went en masse to get tarot readings and they all pulled the Tower card. Should there actually be a Rapture, I am most certainly going to still be down here* hanging out with the rest of you who are reading this blog. I'm just kidding. (I'm not going to be hanging out with you.)

But if some of us are left behind, can we still get take-out? Will weed be legal everywhere then? Will there still be cable? Internet? Don't worry if these thoughts have never crossed your mind. You have to be pretty damn high to wonder about this shit. In all seriousness, I don't believe in that whole cataclysmic, Final Battle/Armageddon situation. The only Final Battles I care about are on The Voice. And when they got rid of Judith Hill, I said "fuck 'em." Judith Hill? JUDITH HILL?!?!?! Three things about her blind audition: opening pose and hair (okay four things - I died); Usher and Adam's almost immediate, synchronicitous turn (she barely got the whole line out); and the fact that she made Usher stand up and scream.

Personal Fun Fact: Sometimes I laugh uncontrollably after I cum. Is that weird? This video sent me over the edge after several orgasmless days with my parents in North Carolina! Not only is there NOTHING like watching and receiving good oral, the top looks like someone I probably blow...know. I meant know!

*What? They were both 20 and 21. They're legal.

Uh oh! Overflow, population, common group, but it'll do. Save yourself; serve yourself. World serves its own needs. LISTEN to your heart bleed. Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right...right. You: vitriolic/patriotic. Slam? (((Fight!!!))) Bright light.

Feeling. Pretty. Psyched.

It's the...

(Transmission Lost)


Not rice, bitches

Label Whore

Sexual Labels

Gay for pay, straight but will suck a dick if it's Tuesday and I haven't had my coffee yet (which is essentially gay for pay) and don't even get me started on women. A hasbean is a woman who used to be a lesbian. Look. In the immortal words of Nene Leakes, "I get it." (Random.) But there is a point where it becomes delusional and unhealthy to call a bowl a fork. I love that these types of people don't let anybody tell them who they are or what they should be doing within their self-described orientations, but come on. You're getting pounded on the regular by trannies who finish on your face, bro. Maybe you're a little gay. That's all I'm saying.

But is it really anyone else's business how we label? De jure sexuality v de facto. (Anybody care to ring up Morocco on this one?) Straight bottoms (pegging), anal-averse gay men (weird), enharmonic chords (F# / G flat), the platypus (#$%*). Yep. You already guessed it. These things exist solely to fuck with and confuse the shit out of us. But I do understand not wanting to skee-doodle down the Hershey Super Highway sometimes, though. It's a lot of work preparing for anal sex. It takes a village to clean an asshole. (Feel free to use that one.) Not everybody understands that shit, which is why I'm giving this ass a break.

Whoa! When did my ass get so hairy?  

Okay. Break's over. Come get it.

If the end truly is near
This is all I want to hear

And speaking of singing, check out me and my band June 21st in (the Republic of) Cambridge at Cantab Lounge at 9p. We're on first, so bring it*.

*Including, but not limited to: weed, hoes, boots, chips, candy corn. You know, the good shit.