Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Will the Real Planets Please Stand...Uh Rotate?

Not so fast, Pluto. Apparently, the International Astronautical Union isn't that different from the entertainment industry: In today, auf wiedersehen later today. Or, in your case Plutes, almost 80 years later, but oh well. For the last several weeks I've been taking a self-guided crash course in planets vs stars. As to the why of doing this, all I can say is that should the process of thermonuclear fusion and/or the function of a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram randomly fall into conversation, I'll at least be able to contribute a tiny fraction to the discussion. You know, like we do. My stream of consciousness took me from Hollywood ---> star (vs) planet...Wait a minute. Why isn't Pluto a planet anymore? -->Wikipedia! Naturally. It turns out that back in blah blah blah dwarf planets, satellites, asteroids rah rah rah there are now 3 major qualifications for a planet to be called a planet. And they are (drum roll please):

Is in orbit around the sun - I can dig that. Apple products continue to be the sun around which I (r)evolve. My iPhone is so beat up and sharded to death, I had someone ask me recently how do I not cut myself on the screen? It's been like this for some time, but it's getting worse (because I dropped it again). So I have to replace it sooner rather than later. But as soon as I saw the Samsung super mega phone with the 12 ft screen, I had a major case of screenus envy. But then the iPhone came out with a slightly lengthened retina display...Ugh! I hate this. It's like picking out eyewear. It takes me forever to find shades/glasses that look great. Once I do, that's it. I wear them until I lose them. But you know what? As much as I favor, say, the Verizon DNA model, I'm probably just going to get another iPhone. There's just something about the shape and feel of it that's so damned sexy. Even the box. The store. I cannot...No, I will not live without sexy products, dammit! This is America. So what if I can't send an email, watch a video, take a picture and edit a commercial all at the same time like some of the other smartphones claim they can? Who needs to do that? I'll just buy an iPad for that.

Has sufficient mass to assume* hydrostatic equilibrium (a nearly round shape) -

*You know what they say about assumptions: They jiggle when you smack 'em.
Yep. That's my ass. Despite showing it off, I LOVE having a dick and being a man. I also like communicating with other dick-havers. We have an understanding. I'm talking about more than physiology. I'm back to worshipping the notion of confidence, leadership and power. You don't have to be a man or even be masculine to exemplify these things, but it means you're an active decision maker. An equal. On the other hand, I find overly feminine energy and pussy-having issues to be way too aggravating. Example: the scene in Knocked Up when Paul Rudd's wife discovers he lied about being somewhere when he really went to the movies alone to watch Spiderman. She starts crying and says "I like Spiderman...You're mean." Hilarious to watch because it's so true and equally annoying because it's so true. A penis-having way of handling it would've been, okay. Well-played. You got me. I'll just be grabbing one of those personal nights as well. Why didn't I think of that shit? Done. Pass the snacks. There is no crying in baseball or relationships (aka controlling others - JUST KIDDING)!!! Please. For god's sake. Don't get me wrong. I care deeply about things and I'll give you the shirt off my back (if you have the right coordinating pieces). I don't lack feeling or emotional intelligence. It's just that, well, Effie, we all gots pain, girl. And even beyond that, I truly try to tell people the truth. I've been asked my opinion on everything from other friends' original songs, new haircuts, too small dresses, etc. My policy: Don't ask and don't ask.

On a side note, I'm surprised nobody caught the hidden sentence in last month's entry. What? You think that period was just sitting way over from the rest of the sentence because it had the flu? To illustrate how ridiculous I am about this blog, I spent way too much time matching the background of the page with the hidden letters. They can only be seen by highlighting. Yep. Way too much time on my hands.

Has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit -  I was having some difficulty with this concept until the term "gravitational dominance" popped up. I don't know about clearing my neighborhood, but I can damn sure clear a packed ass bowl and not even cough. Smoking of which, I feel like Jim Carey in 23.

Current Stage Script

Where the hell was I going?

Aaand the .0 is stipulated...on "The Joint". Riiight.

NOT smokeablez...(?)
Okay, those last ones are dried apricots. But they are the perfect follow-up to 420. And of course, the follow-up to even that are mucho philosophical digressions. Last weekend, I was asked whether, in the eternal, biggest picture possible, grand scheme of things, would I choose light or darkness. See, that's the wrong question for me. I'm more Shinto about all this shit: It's about the balance. Nevertheless, my answer was simply, "whichever one gives me the dick." I know we're back to this, but having a cock lets you be able to do all sorts of cool stuff ;)

My deck right at dawn, January 2013.

Yes, I piss with serif. BLAM!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((this space intentionally filled))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

"We gon' take it to the moon, take it to the stars. How many people you know can take it this far? I'm supercharged. I'm 'bout to take this whole thing to Mars. Now we gon' take it to the moon, take it to the stars. You don't know what we've been through to take it this far. So many stars. We're 'bout to take this thing to Mars."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
You know what they say about black holes?
You Know What They Say About Black Holes who?
You know what they say about black holes? They're really pink inside :-|

I'd probably add one more requirement to the classification of planets. They can never give up. (Warning: Get your tissues BEFORE you watch this. All I had handy was my T shirt sleeve.)